Most of you out there are thinking, the Goonies ‘R’ good enough for me.
But remove the wool from over your eyes and behold the nefarious octopus smear plot against people of East Asian descent!
As you may recall, the Goonies’ head tech-guy/inventor-genius is a young Chinese kid named Data. He is so named because Asians are good at math and science, and also, without a tradition of Christianity, they could not possibly have real human feelings. Thus, his internal processings are just “data.”
Towards the end of the film, the Goonie crew jump into some wicked water slide rock formations — like Panama City meets Yellowstone — and as they splash into the big wading pool at the bottom, the film cuts to them hugging each other in total relief. Something feels wrong. Of all the things they’ve endured in their fantastical journey — Italian mobsters, dynamite, falling rocks, booby traps, spiked floors, obnoxious rich kids, Mouth’s overly dramatic “quarter speech” (“You see this one… this was mine! This was my wish! And it didn’t come true. So I’m takin’ it back. I’m takin’ them all back…”) — I find it hard to believe that the super fun water slides somehow seemed to be the scariest part.
But here’s the trick: originally there was a scene after the water slides where the Goonies are almost drowned by an octopus. The science genius Data shoves his Walkman into the sea beast, which then proceeds to “breakdance” away. Thus, having been saved from drowning, Mouth and Martha Plimpton hug in ecstatic relief.
The octopus scene, however, was cut from the film — mostly for being totally implausible and unnecessary to the plot.
Yet, as the movie closes and the ragtag Goonies defeat that rich kid Troy’s dad (“Mr. Walsh”), a local film crew interviews the youngsters about their incredible-sounding, possibly-dubious story.
REPORTER 2: What happened out there? Were your lives in danger?
DATA: The octopus was very scary.
No doubt the viewer is thinking, “Octopus?! Little number-crunching Asian kid, what possibly are you talking about?! There was no octopus!”
The hot Anglo-saxon girl Andi pipes in: “The scariest thing was walking the plank.” Thank you, decent white people, for telling the truth about what happened instead of inventing ridiculous stories about giant mollusks.
So, the director cut the scene with the octopus but left in a totally unnecessary line from Data explaining the octopus. This could only have one goal: to question the general motives of Asiatic peoples, to put that lingering doubt in all good Americans’ minds, “What octopus?!”>