The Hamasaki Ayumi Wedding Fiasco - Part II

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Stop what you’re doing, people, and listen up. Remember what I wrote about Japanese pop megastar Hamasaki Ayumi being engaged to young, non-African American Brooklynite Timothy Something Something? Well, according to this Yahoo Japan Entertainment News article things may not be as crystal clear as the rumors first suggested. Turns out: The rumors may just be rumors. And what’s more, there are all sorts of rumors about those rumors.

What’s going on here?

* Last week, the Shukan Bunshun reported the scoop and essentially none of the wideshows, sports papers, or entertainment gossip rags picked up the story — despite the fact that this is the biggest deal since Seiko and Jeff.

* The Bunshun writes that Tim is half “Irish-American” and half-French, by the way.

* Turns out this whole story starts at Tiffany’s where a clerk overheard our young foreign protagonist say that he was buying an engagement ring for the “Japanese Britney Spears.” (He may have said other things, but the constant repetition of that Deep Blue Something song in the background drowned everything out.)

* But get this: Her management company (Avex) “furiously” denies that conversation ever took place. And management companies never ever lie to protect the image of their clients! But they went as far as to create (or find, perhaps) proof that the conversation never took place, which led all the other media sources to (totally unsurprisingly) back off from the story for fear of losing access to other Avex talent and working knees.

* Now Bunshun writes that Avex refused to condone the wedding as Hamasaki is essentially the sole source of profit for the company.

* The rest of the article basically insinuates that Timothy is gay. (The Japanese media is a harsh bunch if they’re not in your pocket. And, they really need her to get back together with the guy from Tokio — or else.)

* Oh, only if the outcome of this story actually mattered!

W. David MARX (Marxy)
December 8, 2005

Marxy wrote a lot of essays back on his old site Néomarxisme. This is one of them.

12 Responses

  1. Momus Says:

    Dear Neomarxisme,

    after the “Timothy debacle” my paper has decided not to pick up any further stories from your press association. Please bill us for any outstanding charges.

    Editor, Click Opera

  2. marxy Says:

    Dear Click Opera:

    Please do not publicly blame your misreadings of news events on this information source.

    Editor, Neomarxisme

  3. a different guest Says:

    Oh, you two.

    You’re the stuff that slash fiction is made out of.

  4. craig Says:

    Marxy, a Jew, and one-drop Momus, clearly of Nigerian origin, together forever. Brings a tear to the eye.

  5. Mike Says:

    While I read and enjoy both yours and Momus’s blogs, I think this was an absolutely brilliant example of Momus’s knee-jerk hair-trigger antagonism. Hilarity ensued to great degrees.

    Good job guys!

    (Really, I just live one marxy-momus “catfight” to another. Otherwise, my life is empty.)

  6. r. Says:

    i say again, if these two were actually a couple, the make up sex would be off the hook!

  7. Momus Says:

    We were about to get married—I’d bought him a pair of diamond pierced earrings worth 7000000 yen—but suddenly Marxy’s record company freaked out and started telling the press I was gay.

  8. Chun Li Says:

    Haha. The guy from Tokio, huh? Well, I always thought they made a good couple. I bet he has as many hair products as she does. And I think the Japanese “Britney Spears” title should belong to BoA, whereas Hamasaki is a “Madonna Wannabe.”

  9. MARKYEN Says:

    DUDES. GET A ROOM, QUICK.

    SAYING THOUGH, WHAT’S REALLY GOOD. GOSSIPMONGERIN’ GAIJIN KEEPIN’ SHIT ON LOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. nate Says:

    marxy, this is what you get when you go too long without using the word “aggregate”.

  11. Carl Says:

    She was on TV the other day and sang. Well, sort of. It was pretty bad, which I expected, but surprisingly, it was also worse than I expected. Also, the way she dressed was ridiculous. She had a black table cloth on her head for some reason. The moral of the story: Probably Tim bought the ring to psyche her out, and after she said yes, he laughed in her face and said, “Like I would marry you? As if!” and then she cried and cried. It’s the age old prank: the psyche out wedding ring.

    Also, then Marxy and Momus kissed for some reason. Or was it all a dream???

    I was sing “Make it through today” to myself while walking through the hall at school today, and my students wanted to know what the song was. Next time, I’ll try to sing “Journey to the Centre of Me” to balance it all out cosmically.

  12. Michael McCarthy Says:

    I have nothing to say on this matters, as I think Hamasaki Ayumi is fairly boring, but Marxy, you must be going to see Dinosaur Jr? At least to see how many Boon inspired t-shirts show up there?

    That my friends, is an incomplete sentence.