Famed Astronaut Rolf von Ostrauch once quipped in his hilariously-stereotypical German brogue, “The Earth looks so quaint once you’ve been [sic] the moon.” If the PS3, Wii and Xboxx360 are the 新世代ゲーム (next—century consoles) they are cracked up to be, God should be currently painting a thick chalk line between those lucky few who have experienced the future and those laggards who are free to plug as many PS2’s into the wall sockets inside their caves as they please but fundamentally will never understand tomorrow today. On Tuesday, I played a Wii for the first time, and #$'(!”#’%#(%#%'(! #'(!”$FHD(#! $(!#$( — a phrase I can proudly say will make no sense to any of you yet to embrace the leather grip of the Wii controller. (For those longtime Wii players out there, sorry for all the cursing.)
The game I played on Tuesday — something involving pumping juice at rabbits from Ubi — was alright and all, but I realized how boring it will be to play the catalog of old NES titles on the Wii. Remember when games had austere titles wasting no words other than a one-word description of the actions involved? Baseball, Tennis, Golf, Pro Wrestling? Even Ten—Yard Fight feels like a leap of imagination in comparison. Somebody from Rockstar should have the balls to call the next GTA just Adventure instead of GTA: Good Morning, Heavy Metal Valley or whatever it will ultimately be.
The point is, Wii lets you purchase these old-timey games and play them on your HDTV (not in HD format). This is boring. This makes the gamer go back to the crusty old barnacle days of yore when kids sat down and played games motionlessly other than slight use of the arm and hand. WE ARE OUT OF THE CAVE NOW, Nintendo. (Sorry, I had my earphones in.) We are out of the cave, Nintendo, and we want these games adapted for full-body usage.
So, I recommend the following: all these “vintage” games should show a young boy about 8, who looks pretty much like me at age 8, sitting in the basement on the floor, eyes focused on a slightly old/broken TV playing Baseball. My Wiimote will be used exclusively to control the boy’s movements that control the game actions in Baseball.
If you want to make it really challenging, make the refresh rate on the real TV and meta-TV different so that it’s hard to see exactly what is going on.