Freaks and Geeks Fan Fiction

     Wha? Wha?
     Oh… An alarm… Time for school. I should get up.
     Mr. Apatow musters up the strength to climb out of bed, pinstripe pajamas to match his pinstripe sheets. He sits — in a complete daze, somewhere between dreaming and daydreaming.
     “How could they have canceled Undeclared? The series needed time. Am I doomed for a string of one-season shows? I will never ever be a success in this Boardwalk of Broken Dreams called… Hollywood.”
     At this point, Mr. Apatow is facing himself in the mirror.
     “But at least, Freaks and Geeks will be a cult series. Appreciated postmortem. The kind of series that will inspire fan fiction. Now, what I’m hoping for this fan fiction is that it’s written far enough in the future where all talk of my failures are essentially there for irony’s sake — like when I think out-loud along the lines of ‘I will never be a success in this…’ etc., it will clearly be humorous in light of my hit film projects.”
     He continues his soliloquy, “I am hoping this fan fiction gets incredibly meta. Like, it portrays itself as Freaks and Geeks fan fiction at first, but really, it’s just a vehicle for expressing the inner thoughts of ‘Master Creator’ Judd Apatow. I hate this idea that meta humor is somehow a gimmick, like a limerick or something. Meta is a part of the equation now, a part of the fabric. The author’s not dead. The author is typing about the movement about his hands typing. My next movie’s going to be called Hunt and Peck.
     “I’ll tell you though. Success is not all roses. The 40-Year-Old Virgin — the soundtrack choices are criminal. First, we rip off that Apollo 100 ‘Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring’ from Boogie Nights. You know it’s going to be a terrible movie when the soundtrack just steals key audio moments from other contemporary movies. Like that stupid camping movie with Seth Green and Dax Shepard. Without a Paddle. The movie starts with The Faces’s ‘Ooh La La,’ which was so amazingly deployed at he conclusion of Wes Anderson’s Rushmore. What next, start a movie with Iggy Pop’s ‘Lust for Life.’ I never want to hear ‘Born Slippy .NUXX’ in another goddamn movie.
     “And then that whole ‘Aquarius’ finale. When are people going to figure out that ‘Aquarius’ was not completely unironic. People just don’t get Hair. Maybe I somewhat blame Milos Forman, but jeez. I mean, I made that whole 40-Year-Old Virgin movie, and I still think that ending was just ridiculous. And I’ve had sex before.
     “A lot of people ask me why I use Seth Rogen in every movie,” Mr. Apatow says at a mass rally held later in the afternoon. “I don’t know. I just don’t. He’s not my alter ego, but he’s not my superego either. He’s just like, my Jack Nance. Yeah, that’s it: he’s like the modern day Jack Nance.”
     At this point, Lindsay Cardellini pipes up, “Wha…” but the Apatow-Narrator cuts her off. He’s not only the writer, but also the script doctor.
     “I don’t know much about fan fiction, but I am hoping for a Manoj N. Shyamalan ending where it turns out… it was all just a dream…. written by Judd Apatow.”

W. David MARX
October 1, 2007

W. David Marx (Marxy) — Tokyo-based writer and musician — is the founder and chief editor of Néojaponisme.

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