At Rip Slyme headquarters…

Pes: Yo, yo, yo. ‘Sup, ’sup, ’sup.
Su: What?
Pes: Sorry. I mean, hey, can I have your attention everybody? Fumiya — stop sampling for a minute. We need to plan out the video for our brand new single “I.N.G.”
Fumiya: Wait, I thought we decided on a different name.
Pes: Ryo-Z thought it would be cooler if we named it after the Internationale Nederlanden Group insurance company.
Ryo-Z: Yo, I said AFLAC. No wait you said AFLAC. I said I.N.G.
Pes: That’s what I said. Anyway, we need a video.
Ryo-Z: Alright, I got it right here. (Takes bite of comically large sandwich) Get this: we are in suits. We are like advertising executives.
Su: Keep going.
Ryo-Z: We are selling the Sony Vaio computer. They’ve got all these colored versions now. So the video is us selling pitches for the Sony Vaio campaign, pitching to the old guys across the table. And there’s a bunch of cheerleaders.
Pes: I like it. Sony Vaio.
Fumiya: Wait, wait. Sony’s never going to go for that. We can’t just use their computer without permission.
Ryo-Z: Look, I don’t care what it takes, we have to convince those guys to let us use the computer in the video. Record sales are down and if we don’t have a hot video, we are never going to make any money.

At Sony Headquarters, Tokyo, Japan. An oriental melody floats through the air. Rip Slyme enters the building and STEP to the reception desk.

Receptionist: (trembling with fear) Ex… Excuse me, we can’t let you in without an appointment.
Ryo-Z: We don’t care about appointments, lady.
Su: You’re fired.

Rip Slyme crash through the doors to the corporate boardroom where the President of Sony and his male Secretary are sitting and drinking brandy. The President removes his monocle and does a double-take. They both move away from the fireplace and step off the polar bear rug.

President: How dare you roustabouts enter in such a ramshackle manner!
Ryo-Z: Listen, Granddad. We want rights to use your Sony Vaio computer in our new music video.
President: Music video?! I wouldn’t even know what such a thing would be if it on happenstance existed!
Secretary: Let’s hear them out.
Ilmari: Times have changed. The people have spoken — the people in the streets. The streets have spoken. And they have spoken that they want us to use your Sony Vaio computer in our music video. We are inventing a whole new art form — from the streets.
President: I highly doubt your record company would like that! You are not even on Sony! You’re on Warner! Humbug!
Ryo-Z: I’ll take that as permission granted. (High-fives Pes and winks at Ilmari.)

Rip Slyme exits.

President: I certainly don’t think our computer sales will be helped by having such ruffians shill it so crassly upon the television box.
Secretary: I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy, but part of me thinks that this may actually be a good idea. Kids are different now. And maybe for the music business itself to succeed, Rip Slyme need to show their audience that they are up with trends and down with the “hood” — as they are wont to say.
President: You sound like my grandson. Fine. Let them go and use the Vaio. Just know that I am blaming you when our shareholders find out!

At State Fairs, they have those “Put Your Picture on a Magazine” booths and 350 lb. fathers-of-three walk away with a personalized “Dwayne Wins the Superbowl” cover of Time (or Timely). I was pretty sure this hilarious convention didn’t exist in Japan, but looky here: some very mediocre-looking girl made herself a fake Pinky cover in a mall somewhere and the editors of the real Pinky accidentally used it for the front of their 12/06 issue. Wait, wait, my bad, that’s just Koda Kumi… She’s a popular idol singer in Japan. I forget the reason why.

Now I hate to be judging celebrities on their personal appearance and natural attractiveness, but we are working within an industry that strips all artists of any original personality traits and rights to creative exploration in order to market them as commodities. And we consumers have been asked to not look too critically at voice talent or songwriting skills and just take the record companies at their word regarding the artists’ overall cultural value. But there is no way we can avoid judging these commodities on physical appearance if that is the one remaining criteria up for debate. I and many others are going to naturally question how this particular subpar star got to where she is, seeing that there are thousands of decent-looking, no-talent girls in the industry to choose from who would be happy to sing unmemorable Eurobeat songs for the dwindling CD-buying public. The Machine, however, has decided in eerie Lynchian fashion that “This is the girl,” and we will have to sit through a storm of magazine covers and TV specials until “they” find someone else or she foolishly breaks up with her production office CEO beau. [Ed.: This last idea is based on normal industry patterns, not Koda’s actual story.]

On a slightly related note, I saw prepackaged idol Matsuura Aya on “Hey! Hey! Hey! Music Champ” last night where she halted the conversation and told some new Yoshimoto female manzai group to their faces, “You guys just aren’t that funny” which was incredibly tactless but kind of right on. Idols are not supposed to be so honest nor critical nor wiseasses. What is going on in this country?